Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Learn How to F'n Drive!

9 essential tips for you shitty ass Seattle drivers (and walkers).

1. Cars have the right of way - I dont know how many times I have seen a car cruising along at a good rate of speed and they have to slam on their breaks because some douchebag thinks just because he is at a crosswalk (where there is no light) that the car has to stop for them. For all you tree hugging, non carbon producing idiots that walk around downtown with your aluminum water bottles and north face fleeces... Dont you realize when you make the car stop, it actually uses more fuel and energy to start going again? I mean, if you care so much about the f'n earth, wait 2 seconds and let the damn car go. Not like you have anything important to get to anyway.

2. Carpool lane is for speed - I love the idea of a carpool lane. Its great. What I hate is when some jackass gets in that lane and decides to do 45 mph on the highway. If you are a law abiding citizen, scared to go over 50, or asian, you should stay to the right. Just because you have some other green goer sitting beside you, it doesnt give you the right to go for a Sunday drive in the left lane. Move over and let people with some balls go by.

3. Pull up when making a left - Ever been stuck at a light through 3 rotations only to move up a car or 2? Its probably because someone is making a left and refuses to pull into the intersection until all is clear. When you do that, it does not allow for any of us behind you to get by. Its simple, pull up 15 feet and leave room for the cars behind you to go straight. If you are scared, you should not be driving. This is "maybe" the most important tip so it deserves a diagram. Look to the right.

4. Use your turn signal when making a left - That way if you dont pull up, I can let down on the horn and flip you off until you do. 

5. "Learn how to fucking drive" - If you hear this, the culprit is probably from the east coast and is definitely ready to get out of the car and punch you in the face. Dont stop!

6. Downtown - If you have some skills, it is possible to go from Denny to Jackson on 5th Ave without stopping. You can do this by staying in the middle lane and keeping a constant speed. Granted you need to look out for ever other driver (cause they all suck) but it is possible. 

7. Stay away from Chinatown - In asian countries, supposedly the drivers are amazing. They are aggressive, fast, and I doubt many of us could keep up. I dont know what happens when they get here, but that all changes. You will experience # 1, 3, 4 and 5 here. 

8. Dont even try to parallel park - Lets face it. You cant. Might as well pay a valet or park in a garage.

9. There are exceptions - Keep it up!

I dont own a car. Im not angry. When I did, I was. I will trade private classes for a ride to safeway to anyone that needs training in the above categories. I can even show you the proper way to tell the other less fortunate people... "learn how to fucking drive"

2 comments:

  1. I hate to break it to ya but cars do NOT have the right of way at an intersection that is not controlled by a light.
    "A pedestrian crossing a roadway at any point other than in a marked crosswalk or within an unmarked crosswalk at an intersection must yield the right of way to all vehicles on
    the roadway." That is the only time they don't have right of way.
    Now if you're talking about a situation where there is a light and it says DONT WALK I totally agree with you there. I see that shit all the time and it pisses me off. It just makes drivers think that since pedestrians take the right of way whenever they want they can do it too.

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  2. I should point out though that I agree with 2-9 entirely.

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