Public Fellatio with a View

Oh Seattle, you lucky city placed in the most beautiful and mild part of the country. You give guys like me the opportunity to buy a sweet condo with an amazing view located 2 blocks from the oldest part of the city, right across the street from the brand new 911 call center, and a stone skip away from the wonders of Chinatown. About 65 days a year I can wake up see boats out on elliott bay and the beautiful Olympic Whitecaps. At night, I can watch the sunset in awe. As much as I bitch about this place, I will never take that for granted.

Around 95 days a year (3 to date in 2011) I have some more interesting, disturbing, and down right fucked up views. I get about a 180 degrees of South Downtown. To the right is the bay, then its the stadiums, on over to Beacon Hill, and a little of I5. Not too bad right? Im on the top floor and if you look straight out, I have to admit the view is pretty perfect. Its when you step closer to the sliding glass door and take a look down.

Again, across the street - brand new 911 call center that is supposedly some kind of emergency bunker for the mayor. Thats one corner. To the left - a parking lot that is booming during the day and a desert at night. Right below me - another empty lot and up to the left - another. Yeah maybe I am an idiot to buy this place thinking those lots would be high rises, cafes and grocery stores by now. Then again it was 4 years ago.

Today, a Friday, around 4 PM (daylight and "Seattle rush hour") I take a quick look out and I see some dude laying on the small strip of grass between the lots. People are walking down the hill towards china town, others are picking up their cars from the lots, and a few kids are practicing kickflips in the street. I look again and see some middle aged white lady sitting behind the tree next to him. At first I thought she was pulling a crack pipe out of her sock but she was just taking her shoes off. Then her pants, but only one leg. I blink and the next thing I see is some chunky, nasty, pale white ass jiggling. She is pretty much riding the dude. He is some black guy and he is laying back with his hands in the air. I see a neighbor walk past and do a double take, I went back to grab my phone to record, and the skater kids just saw the action.

The cracksucker must have saw the kids with the skateboards with their cell phones out and she got off of him and before I could get back - her pants were back on. He didn't care. Next thing you know all I can see is the silhouette of her head bobbing up and down. Dude must have been like "I don't care if those kids are watching, get the job done." and she did. The kids think the guy doesn't see them but he does. He eventually waves and they wave back. They get up from behind the cars and walk away. I didn't stay to see if she ever really did finish the job. Now that I think about it. I was standing on my balcony with my phone trying to record the madness. Maybe he was waving at me. The video came out crappy but I took a screenshot so you can get a good visual. Check out the dude in the red. He went to his car, almost got in, got out and stared for a few seconds, and then left. I have footage from the previous one as well. Not sure if I want to send to KIRO or one of those guys, or maybe even the mayor. Who is the mayor of this town anyway? I need to talk to that guy

Wang's Latest

VooDoo Lady Part 2

You really need to read these in order so scroll down and read VooDoo Lady Part 1 first.

After the last experience I spent the next few months watching my back and sad to say I stayed out of that bar. Frankly, I was scared. I never believed in black magic or voodoo until that morning. I used to hang out a place called Tattooed Moms on South Street. It was almost as dirty as McGlinchys but catered to more of a younger crowd. I figure I will never run into VooDoo lady there and since I spent about 3 nights a week shooting pool and drinking lagers, it felt like home... a safe house so to speak.

Its late on a Thursday and I just got off my job as a pizza delivery boy (on a bike) The shop was down the street from Tattooed Moms (or Titty Mom's as my friend Joe called it) so I stop in for a few beers. Downstairs has tables and random art and thats where I sat. My buddy jake bought me a couple shots of Jim beam and we headed upstairs to play a game. I round the corner and scope the scene like I always do. The usual Elvis look-alikes, art fags, and creepy old dudes are there which is nothing out of the ordinary. Half way through the scan I lock eyes with you know who. She is giving me this evil but enchanting look and theres no way to act like I did not see her. So, after 3 shots and 2 beers, what does a 25 yr old do when he sees this older woman who just 3 months ago tried to violate him and then stuck 2 needles in his sides? Its called a Bee line straight up to Voodoo lady...

"Hi" is all I can really say. I want to say "Why the fuck did you voodoo my ass?" But again, I was scared. She is acting nice for some reason and really seemed like there were no hard feelings. The night goes on and we play some pool and have another shot. Im a little tipsy ay this point and VD Lady is still there. She comes over and pinches my side and says 'I will be nice this time. Why dont you come over and have a drink?" Its closing time and now Im not in my right mind so I say "OK."

As soon as we leave the bar she starts to pinch my back and side. At first I kinda liked it but the further we walked, the harder she squeezed. And just like the last time she says "Hold my purse bitch." I should have ran then but instead I say "OK." We get to her car and thats when I start to sober up. Not because I wasnt drunk... because she begins to tell me what she plans to do to my ass again. "And theres no getting out of it this time," in that evil voice of hers. I was going to argue and say no but had a better plan. I played along for the next few blocks and then started making moaning noises and claiming I had to pee really bad. You think she would remember that was my getaway the last time.

"We're almost at my house. You can wait," she says. I say, "Please please please just pull over. Im about to piss myself." I am begging like the bitch she wants me to be and I guess that worked. I really did have to go at this point so she pulls over by an alley on 2nd Street. I walk to the back of the car and piss right there in the street. Part of me wanted to get back in the and the other part thought about what might happen if I did. So, at that point I look down the street. We are in a bad neighborhood and might not be the best place for a drunk white boy to be walking alone...

So what do I do? I look through the window and see her eyes glaring at me in the rearview. Look back down the street and back at her... and Bam. Im gone. I took off and ran as fast as I could. I could hear her screaming out of the car.. something like "You mother fucking asshole son of a bitch. I will kill you." That made me run even faster. This time I didnt stop and sprinted the whole 20 blocks or so to my grandmas house. I ran in locked the door and closed the blinds. Of course gram is up at 3 AM making french fries like usual. She asks me whats wrong and I said I just escaped being voodooed for the 2nd time.

She laughs and asks me if I want some fries. "They're fresh."

Damn now I have to stay out of Titty Moms too.

VooDoo Lady Part 1

This is a true story. It happened about 7 years ago. I just started a new job and was young, fresh on the scene and single. It will be a lot better if you listen to this while reading.

Theres a great bar in Philly right by the office called McGlinchys. Its one fo the oldest bars in Philly. They sell 1.68 lagers and disgusting hot dogs. You can still smoke in there, the juke box is amazing, and the bartenders are all pretty much white trash. Like I said - great bar.

One day after work I walked over to have a few beers and end up sitting next to two women. Both are at least mid-thirties. One blonde and one brunette. They definitely had that dark look. I dont want to say goth but def not your typical girl next door. Thats when I should have left. Im eavesdropping on the conversation and they keep talking about cult shops in New Orleans, witchcraft and voodoo dolls. After 2 beers I became more interested.

Eventually, I make eye contact with the blonde lady and smile. She says "You think thats funny?" "Do i think whats funny?" "Do you think this is a joke she replies?" Now Im laughing cause I think she is fucking with me. She says "Hold my purse boy." 2 beers later I am holding her purse and lighting her cigarettes for her. She instructs me not to speak unless spoken to and keeps asking if I need to be punished. It turns out they are 2 dominatrixes and they are now plotting on how they can both take me home and do weird things to me and my ass. Some people say things like "Im gonna get your ass" meaning Im gonna get you. They usually dont mean they are gonna actually do something to your ass.

Anyway, the brunette has to leave and the blonde says that Im staying with her. After 2 more beers the idea of some hot older lady coming back to my apartment sounds a little better. I mean Im 24, single at the time, and didnt have any expectations. The whole scene was hilarious and I was enjoying laughing at her demands. I didnt realize how serious she was and each time I laughed the anger grew more.

An hour later we are in a cab pulling up to her house. She tells me to get out dont say a word and Im not leaviung until she says so. I follow her in to her house and she throws me against the wall. She tells me Im her bitch and shes gonna use her toys on me and Im gonna take it no matter if I like it or not. I beg to use the bathroom and thats when I sobered up..... maybe because I was frightened.  I throw some water on my face, and plan the escape. I tiptoe out of the bathroom and see the front door. I look at her in the kitchen, laugh, and run right outside. I was at the end of the block before I heard the door close and never looked back. I literally sprinted 4 blocks and ran the rest back to my grandmas house. I just escaped what could have been an ugly situation and passed out rather quickly. At some time in the night we exchanged phone numbers and she must have called me 20 times leaving messages like youre gonna pay and "You dont know who you just fucked with." As far as I was concerned I didnt agree to anything and I shouldnt have had to sneak out.

The next morning I woke up with excruciating pain in my sides right below my rib cage. I didnt think much of it and as the morning went on it got worse. It felt like someone took 2 samurai swords and shoved em in my sides straight through my back. I sat in my boss's office holding my sides and moaning. He asked what I did the night before and I started to piece things together.

"Dude you got Voodooed," he says. And the more I thought about it the more I realized he was right. That crazy dildo dominatrix lady was so pissed she busted out her voodoo doll with my name on it and gave it to me good. I guess she figured if she couldnt stick one thing in me, she would stick 2.

Thats my VooDoo Lady story and its not over.... so check back soon.

Another Crackhead on the Metro Story

Anyone that rides the metro is bombarded with great blog content every day. I will try not to write too many of these but this one is memorable.

Last summer I would take the bus up to greenlake to skateboard in the AM and play basketball in the afternoon. Its fun but really sucks taking the bus home. The 358 is the faster option so this day I walked up to Aurora Ave. First off, awaiting on Aurora Ave after a day of blood sweat and sun is depressing on its own. Its even worse when there is a jacked up, almost scary cracklady stalking your ass. She was about 56 years old, (thats 36 in crack years) white with gray dreaded hair that would have made any rastafarian jealous... Although hers was from sleeping in the dirt for the past 3 years. She had on rags like she just escaped from planet of the apes and no shoes or socks on.

Im standing there minding my own business and I see her coming. She walks right up to me and stares from about 3 feet away. I vividly remember her eyes cause they were wider than Oprah's ass and I could barely see the grey color because her pupils were huge. I look away and look back - still staring. I turn around and she moves right in front of me. I walk down about 10 feet only to see her follow me. We kinda play this monkey see monkey do game for the next 10 minutes. The whole time she is doing her best to make eye contact. She soesnt say a word, just follows and stares. Kinda like my dog back home but way more creepy.

Finally the bus comes and Im happy as hell to get out of there. I get my 2 dollars out and pay the bus driver. She follows me on the bus and walks right past the driver without acknowledging him or his demand for fare. I go to the back of the bus and she sits right across from me. I see her staring at me from the corner of my eye. I move two rows ahead and she does the same. This lady stunk. I mean smelled like she was dead already. If I didnt see her moving, the stench and her lifeless eyes would have told me there was a corpse following me.

I do the whole bus a favor and start to open all the windows. People had begun to choke and for some reason I felt like it was my fault. Like I brought my stinky pet on the bus with me. She continues to stare. Finally we make it downtown and Im about to get off the first stop I see. I stand up to get off and so does she. I take two steps forward and cracklady follows. So I sit back down and yep you guessed it - so did she. I had to figure out a way to shake her.

The bus pulls up to 3rd and Pine and heres my chance. A lot of people are getting off there and I manage to stand up fast enough so there is about 4-5 people between her and I. I look back and she is staring but seems nervous Im leaving without her. This is when I get the great idea. I exit the front of the bus and duck down while heading straight to the back door where I jump back on. I sink into a seat on the sidewalk side of the bus and tried not to look. As we are pulling away I see my new friend looking around nervously in all directions for me. In a way I was relieved but in another way I felt bad.

I imagine she had no clue where she was when I first saw her but somehow she managed to end up downtown with barefeet and even more lost than before. All because she followed me. If her eyes werent so fucking scary I would have tried to help. I havent seen her since but still have nightmares to this day.

Fill Er Up

I been meaning to write this for a while now so Im gonna tell it like it happened today.

About a month ago I had to take the light rail to a basketball game. The tunnel was closed for repairs so I had to walk down to the SODO stop. I stopped at the gas station to pick up some gatorade. On my way out I noticed an older man stopped at one of the pumps. he was driving a nice lexus and seemed like he was having trouble getting out of the car.

I walk over and ask him if he needs help. He mumbles something like "Its my nephews car" which I took as "yes." He hands me some cash and I start to go inside to pay the cashier when I look at the amount. Its a whopping 2 dollars. I turn back and say "2 dollars? Right?" He mumbles yes and waves his hand at me. Ok, that should get him like 15 miles but hey, he has to get the car back to his nephew. I pumped the gas and send him on his way. Poor guy - it must hurt to even get out of the car. I thought to myself I hope thats not me one day and commit to stretching a lot more before games.

Today (more like a few weeks ago), Im walking back to my house from the bank and notice a car pulled over with 2 cops blocking him in. It just so happens its right outside my old office. Anyway, as I get closer I notice its a similar black lexus that the old man was driving a month before. I walk by and who do I see sitting on the curb in handcuffs? The old man form the gas station! I observed as the tow truck came and eventually took his car. He was yelling at the cops and was obviously smashed out of his mind. He had his license and insurance papers spread around on the ground and was having a hard time picking em up.

So it dawned on me. I didnt help out an old disabled man... I helped out an old drunk man at 11 AM. I guess the only good thing is he only had about 15 miles until he ran out of gas. Check out the pics. I love this guy except the fact he was hammered driving around my neighborhood for a month.

Homeless Impersonator with a Website

Like everyone else in Seattle, I have seen and heard some strange things on the bus. One of the most memorable was when I was on my way to work. This guy who was about 6'3" with a long black wig and sunglasses gets on. He is wearing tight black jeans and a matching woman's top. Hes carrying something on his side. I look up as he sits down. Next to him he sets a mannequin 

that looked like his twin. It had long black hair, black sunglasses and an identical outfit. An older black woman leans over and says "She is beautiful." She was talking about the mannequin. The man replies "Yeah shes sweet but has been acting up today." Not really sure what to think about that. That was the best ride until this past Sunday night.

I was working late this like usual and headed home from the office around 9:30. I decided to jump on the bus cause it was raining and overheard the best conversation ever. A group of homeless men get on together. They are all in their 40s or 50s and white. They are carrying on and talking loud. 

First, I hear one talking about how his lady friend makes 50 dollars per hour selling real change outside the pharmacy on 23rd and Jackson. Im like holy shit thats more than I make. A young guy in front of me who was wearing new clothes, sneakers and a nice watch asks where he can make 50/hr. The guy says his friend sells real change and is a newspaper for homeless. The young guy replies that he is homeless and wants a job. I found that odd cause he looked more put together than me.

The main guy starts talking about how he is going to be a millionaire and world famous. He keeps saying he has a website. 'I have a website dude. A website. I have a website with a cpanel." Thats when I started really listening cause cpanel is short for control panel and he must not be bullshitting. He then goes on about how he is an impersonator and can do any celebrity voice. He proceeds to do perfect renditions of Sylvester Stalone from Rocky1, John Wayne, Al Pacino from Scarface, and Robert Dinero from some movie I cant remember now. They were amazing. No joke. I know all of the Rocky movies by heart and would have thought Sly was 2  sitting 2 seats behind me.

Someone asked about his website and he says he updates it every day. "I go to the Library on 4th to use the computers. My buddy set me up with a cpanel so I can change any text I want. I can even add photos." I couldnt believe this homeless guy has his own website and I couldnt believe the 2nd rocky impersonation he did. If I was feeling social or ambitious I would have offered to be his manager. He may have signed his life away for a six pack and a joint.