Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
VooDoo Lady
This is a true story. It will be a lot better if you listen to this while reading.
Theres a great bar in Philly right by the office called McGlinchys. Its one fo the oldest bars in Philly. They sell 1.68 lagers and disgusting hot dogs. You can still smoke in there, the juke box is amazing, and the bartenders are all pretty much white trash. Like I said - great bar.
One day after work I walked over to have a few beers and end up sitting next to two women. Both are at least mid-thirties. One blonde and one brunette. They definitely had that dark look. I dont want to say goth but def not your typical girl next door. Thats when I should have left. Im eavesdropping on the conversation and they keep talking about cult shops in New Orleans, witchcraft and voodoo dolls. After 2 beers I became more interested.
Eventually, I make eye contact with the blonde lady and smile. She says "You think thats funny?" "Do i think whats funny?" "Do you think this is a joke she replies?" Now Im laughing cause I think she is fucking with me. She says "Hold my purse boy." 2 beers later I am holding her purse and lighting her cigarettes for her. She instructs me not to speak unless spoken to and keeps asking if I need to be punished. It turns out they are 2 dominatrixes and they are now plotting on how they can both take me home and do weird things to me and my ass. Some people say things like "Im gonna get your ass" meaning Im gonna get you. They usually dont mean they are gonna actually do something to your ass.
Anyway, the brunette has to leave and the blonde says that Im staying with her. After 2 more beers the idea of some hot older lady coming back to my apartment sounds a little better. I mean Im 27, single, and didnt have any expectations. The whole scene was hilarious and I was enjoying laughing at her demands. I didnt realize how serious she was and each time I laughed the anger grew more.
An hour later we are in a cab pulling up to her house. She tells me to get out dont say a word and Im not leaviung until she says so. I follow her in to her house and she throws me against the wall. She tells me Im her bitch and shes gonna use her toys on me and Im gonna take it no matter if I like it or not. I beg to use the bathroom and thats when I sobered up..... maybe because I was frightened. I throw some water on my face, and plan the escape. I tiptoe out of the bathroom and see the front door. I look at her in the kitchen, laugh, and run right outside. I was at the end of the block before I heard the door close and never looked back. I literally sprinted 4 blocks and ran the rest back to my grandmas house. I just escaped what could have been an ugly situation and passed out rather quickly. At some time in the night we exchanged phone numbers and she must have called me 20 times leaving messages like youre gonna pay and "You dont know who you just fucked with." As far as I was concerned I didnt agree to anything and I shouldnt have had to sneak out.
The next morning I woke up with excruciating pain in my sides right below my rib cage. I didnt think much of it and as the morning went on it got worse. It felt like someone took 2 samurai swords and shoved em in my sides straight through my back. I sat in my boss's office holding my sides and moaning. He asked what I did the night before and I started to piece things together.
"Dude you got Voodooed," he says. And the more I thought about it the more I realized he was right. That crazy dildo dominatrix lady was so pissed she busted out her voodoo doll with my name on it and gave it to me good. I guess she figured if she couldnt stick one thing in me, she would stick 2.
Thats my VooDoo Lady story.
One day after work I walked over to have a few beers and end up sitting next to two women. Both are at least mid-thirties. One blonde and one brunette. They definitely had that dark look. I dont want to say goth but def not your typical girl next door. Thats when I should have left. Im eavesdropping on the conversation and they keep talking about cult shops in New Orleans, witchcraft and voodoo dolls. After 2 beers I became more interested.
Eventually, I make eye contact with the blonde lady and smile. She says "You think thats funny?" "Do i think whats funny?" "Do you think this is a joke she replies?" Now Im laughing cause I think she is fucking with me. She says "Hold my purse boy." 2 beers later I am holding her purse and lighting her cigarettes for her. She instructs me not to speak unless spoken to and keeps asking if I need to be punished. It turns out they are 2 dominatrixes and they are now plotting on how they can both take me home and do weird things to me and my ass. Some people say things like "Im gonna get your ass" meaning Im gonna get you. They usually dont mean they are gonna actually do something to your ass.
Anyway, the brunette has to leave and the blonde says that Im staying with her. After 2 more beers the idea of some hot older lady coming back to my apartment sounds a little better. I mean Im 27, single, and didnt have any expectations. The whole scene was hilarious and I was enjoying laughing at her demands. I didnt realize how serious she was and each time I laughed the anger grew more.
An hour later we are in a cab pulling up to her house. She tells me to get out dont say a word and Im not leaviung until she says so. I follow her in to her house and she throws me against the wall. She tells me Im her bitch and shes gonna use her toys on me and Im gonna take it no matter if I like it or not. I beg to use the bathroom and thats when I sobered up..... maybe because I was frightened. I throw some water on my face, and plan the escape. I tiptoe out of the bathroom and see the front door. I look at her in the kitchen, laugh, and run right outside. I was at the end of the block before I heard the door close and never looked back. I literally sprinted 4 blocks and ran the rest back to my grandmas house. I just escaped what could have been an ugly situation and passed out rather quickly. At some time in the night we exchanged phone numbers and she must have called me 20 times leaving messages like youre gonna pay and "You dont know who you just fucked with." As far as I was concerned I didnt agree to anything and I shouldnt have had to sneak out.
The next morning I woke up with excruciating pain in my sides right below my rib cage. I didnt think much of it and as the morning went on it got worse. It felt like someone took 2 samurai swords and shoved em in my sides straight through my back. I sat in my boss's office holding my sides and moaning. He asked what I did the night before and I started to piece things together.
"Dude you got Voodooed," he says. And the more I thought about it the more I realized he was right. That crazy dildo dominatrix lady was so pissed she busted out her voodoo doll with my name on it and gave it to me good. I guess she figured if she couldnt stick one thing in me, she would stick 2.
Thats my VooDoo Lady story.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Fill Er Up
I been meaning to write this for a while now so Im gonna tell it like it happened today.
About a month ago I had to take the light rail to a basketball game. The tunnel was closed for repairs so I had to walk down to the SODO stop. I stopped at the gas station to pick up some gatorade. On my way out I noticed an older man stopped at one of the pumps. he was driving a nice lexus and seemed like he was having trouble getting out of the car.
I walk over and ask him if he needs help. He mumbles something like "Its my nephews car" which I took as "yes." He hands me some cash and I start to go inside to pay the cashier when I look at the amount. Its a whopping 2 dollars. I turn back and say "2 dollars? Right?" He mumbles yes and waves his hand at me. Ok, that should get him like 15 miles but hey, he has to get the car back to his nephew. I pumped the gas and send him on his way. Poor guy - it must hurt to even get out of the car. I thought to myself I hope thats not me one day and commit to stretching a lot more before games.
Today (more like a few weeks ago), Im walking back to my house from the bank and notice a car pulled over with 2 cops blocking him in. It just so happens its right outside my old office. Anyway, as I get closer I notice its a similar black lexus that the old man was driving a month before. I walk by and who do I see sitting on the curb in handcuffs? The old man form the gas station! I observed as the tow truck came and eventually took his car. He was yelling at the cops and was obviously smashed out of his mind. He had his license and insurance papers spread around on the ground and was having a hard time picking em up.
So it dawned on me. I didnt help out an old disabled man... I helped out an old drunk man at 11 AM. I guess the only good thing is he only had about 15 miles until he ran out of gas. Check out the pics. I love this guy except the fact he was hammered driving around my neighborhood for a month.
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