Public Fellatio with a View

Oh Seattle, you lucky city placed in the most beautiful and mild part of the country. You give guys like me the opportunity to buy a sweet condo with an amazing view located 2 blocks from the oldest part of the city, right across the street from the brand new 911 call center, and a stone skip away from the wonders of Chinatown. About 65 days a year I can wake up see boats out on elliott bay and the beautiful Olympic Whitecaps. At night, I can watch the sunset in awe. As much as I bitch about this place, I will never take that for granted.

Around 95 days a year (3 to date in 2011) I have some more interesting, disturbing, and down right fucked up views. I get about a 180 degrees of South Downtown. To the right is the bay, then its the stadiums, on over to Beacon Hill, and a little of I5. Not too bad right? Im on the top floor and if you look straight out, I have to admit the view is pretty perfect. Its when you step closer to the sliding glass door and take a look down.

Again, across the street - brand new 911 call center that is supposedly some kind of emergency bunker for the mayor. Thats one corner. To the left - a parking lot that is booming during the day and a desert at night. Right below me - another empty lot and up to the left - another. Yeah maybe I am an idiot to buy this place thinking those lots would be high rises, cafes and grocery stores by now. Then again it was 4 years ago.

Today, a Friday, around 4 PM (daylight and "Seattle rush hour") I take a quick look out and I see some dude laying on the small strip of grass between the lots. People are walking down the hill towards china town, others are picking up their cars from the lots, and a few kids are practicing kickflips in the street. I look again and see some middle aged white lady sitting behind the tree next to him. At first I thought she was pulling a crack pipe out of her sock but she was just taking her shoes off. Then her pants, but only one leg. I blink and the next thing I see is some chunky, nasty, pale white ass jiggling. She is pretty much riding the dude. He's is laying back with his hands in the air. I see a neighbor walk past and do a double take, I went back to grab my phone to record, and the skater kids just saw the action.

She must have saw the kids with the skateboards with their cell phones out and she got off of him and before I could get back - her pants were back on. He didn't care. Next thing you know all I can see is the silhouette of her head bobbing up and down. Dude must have been like "I don't care if those kids are watching, get the job done." and she did. The kids think the guy doesn't see them but he does. He eventually waves and they wave back. They get up from behind the cars and walk away. I didn't stay to see if she ever really did finish the job. Now that I think about it. I was standing on my balcony with my phone trying to record the madness. Maybe he was waving at me. The video came out crappy but I took a screenshot so you can get a good visual. Check out the dude in the red. He went to his car, almost got in, got out and stared for a few seconds, and then left. I have footage from the previous one as well. Not sure if I want to send to KIRO or one of those guys, or maybe even the mayor. Who is the mayor of this town anyway? I need to talk to that guy

Wang's Latest

VooDoo Lady

This is a true story. It will be a lot better if you listen to this while reading. Theres a great bar in Philly right by the office called McGlinchys. Its one fo the oldest bars in Philly. They sell 1.68 lagers and disgusting hot dogs. You can still smoke in there, the juke box is amazing, and the bartenders are all pretty much white trash. Like I said - great bar. One day after work I walked over to have a few beers and end up sitting next to two women. Both are at least mid-thirties. One blonde and one brunette. They definitely had that dark look. I dont want to say goth but def not your typical girl next door. Thats when I should have left. Im eavesdropping on the conversation and they keep talking about cult shops in New Orleans, witchcraft and voodoo dolls. After 2 beers I became more interested. Eventually, I make eye contact with the blonde lady and smile. She says "You think thats funny?" "Do i think whats funny?" "Do you think this is a joke she replies?" Now Im laughing cause I think she is fucking with me. She says "Hold my purse boy." 2 beers later I am holding her purse and lighting her cigarettes for her. She instructs me not to speak unless spoken to and keeps asking if I need to be punished. It turns out they are 2 dominatrixes and they are now plotting on how they can both take me home and do weird things to me and my ass. Some people say things like "Im gonna get your ass" meaning Im gonna get you. They usually dont mean they are gonna actually do something to your ass. Anyway, the brunette has to leave and the blonde says that Im staying with her. After 2 more beers the idea of some hot older lady coming back to my apartment sounds a little better. I mean Im 27, single, and didnt have any expectations. The whole scene was hilarious and I was enjoying laughing at her demands. I didnt realize how serious she was and each time I laughed the anger grew more. An hour later we are in a cab pulling up to her house. She tells me to get out dont say a word and Im not leaviung until she says so. I follow her in to her house and she throws me against the wall. She tells me Im her bitch and shes gonna use her toys on me and Im gonna take it no matter if I like it or not. I beg to use the bathroom and thats when I sobered up..... maybe because I was frightened.  I throw some water on my face, and plan the escape. I tiptoe out of the bathroom and see the front door. I look at her in the kitchen, laugh, and run right outside. I was at the end of the block before I heard the door close and never looked back. I literally sprinted 4 blocks and ran the rest back to my grandmas house. I just escaped what could have been an ugly situation and passed out rather quickly. At some time in the night we exchanged phone numbers and she must have called me 20 times leaving messages like youre gonna pay and "You dont know who you just fucked with." As far as I was concerned I didnt agree to anything and I shouldnt have had to sneak out. The next morning I woke up with excruciating pain in my sides right below my rib cage. I didnt think much of it and as the morning went on it got worse. It felt like someone took 2 samurai swords and shoved em in my sides straight through my back. I sat in my boss's office holding my sides and moaning. He asked what I did the night before and I started to piece things together. "Dude you got Voodooed," he says. And the more I thought about it the more I realized he was right. That crazy dildo dominatrix lady was so pissed she busted out her voodoo doll with my name on it and gave it to me good. I guess she figured if she couldnt stick one thing in me, she would stick 2. Thats my VooDoo Lady story.

Fill Er Up

I been meaning to write this for a while now so Im gonna tell it like it happened today.

About a month ago I had to take the light rail to a basketball game. The tunnel was closed for repairs so I had to walk down to the SODO stop. I stopped at the gas station to pick up some gatorade. On my way out I noticed an older man stopped at one of the pumps. he was driving a nice lexus and seemed like he was having trouble getting out of the car.

I walk over and ask him if he needs help. He mumbles something like "Its my nephews car" which I took as "yes." He hands me some cash and I start to go inside to pay the cashier when I look at the amount. Its a whopping 2 dollars. I turn back and say "2 dollars? Right?" He mumbles yes and waves his hand at me. Ok, that should get him like 15 miles but hey, he has to get the car back to his nephew. I pumped the gas and send him on his way. Poor guy - it must hurt to even get out of the car. I thought to myself I hope thats not me one day and commit to stretching a lot more before games.

Today (more like a few weeks ago), Im walking back to my house from the bank and notice a car pulled over with 2 cops blocking him in. It just so happens its right outside my old office. Anyway, as I get closer I notice its a similar black lexus that the old man was driving a month before. I walk by and who do I see sitting on the curb in handcuffs? The old man form the gas station! I observed as the tow truck came and eventually took his car. He was yelling at the cops and was obviously smashed out of his mind. He had his license and insurance papers spread around on the ground and was having a hard time picking em up.

So it dawned on me. I didnt help out an old disabled man... I helped out an old drunk man at 11 AM. I guess the only good thing is he only had about 15 miles until he ran out of gas. Check out the pics. I love this guy except the fact he was hammered driving around my neighborhood for a month.

Homeless Impersonator with a Website

Like everyone else in Seattle, I have seen and heard some strange things on the bus. One of the most memorable was when I was on my way to work. This guy who was about 6'3" with a long black wig and sunglasses gets on. He is wearing tight black jeans and a matching woman's top. Hes carrying something on his side. I look up as he sits down. Next to him he sets a mannequin 

that looked like his twin. It had long black hair, black sunglasses and an identical outfit. An older black woman leans over and says "She is beautiful." She was talking about the mannequin. The man replies "Yeah shes sweet but has been acting up today." Not really sure what to think about that. That was the best ride until this past Sunday night.

I was working late this like usual and headed home from the office around 9:30. I decided to jump on the bus cause it was raining and overheard the best conversation ever. A group of homeless men get on together. They are all in their 40s or 50s and white. They are carrying on and talking loud. 

First, I hear one talking about how his lady friend makes 50 dollars per hour selling real change outside the pharmacy on 23rd and Jackson. Im like holy shit thats more than I make. A young guy in front of me who was wearing new clothes, sneakers and a nice watch asks where he can make 50/hr. The guy says his friend sells real change and is a newspaper for homeless. The young guy replies that he is homeless and wants a job. I found that odd cause he looked more put together than me.

The main guy starts talking about how he is going to be a millionaire and world famous. He keeps saying he has a website. 'I have a website dude. A website. I have a website with a cpanel." Thats when I started really listening cause cpanel is short for control panel and he must not be bullshitting. He then goes on about how he is an impersonator and can do any celebrity voice. He proceeds to do perfect renditions of Sylvester Stalone from Rocky1, John Wayne, Al Pacino from Scarface, and Robert Dinero from some movie I cant remember now. They were amazing. No joke. I know all of the Rocky movies by heart and would have thought Sly was 2  sitting 2 seats behind me.

Someone asked about his website and he says he updates it every day. "I go to the Library on 4th to use the computers. My buddy set me up with a cpanel so I can change any text I want. I can even add photos." I couldnt believe this homeless guy has his own website and I couldnt believe the 2nd rocky impersonation he did. If I was feeling social or ambitious I would have offered to be his manager. He may have signed his life away for a six pack and a joint. 

See Wang Stand. Hear Wang Talk

Hey - If you been reading this blog, you should know the Wangster by now.

Click to listen to a couple voice messages. Translations will be up soon.

MID at the Union Market

I was in the Union Market (5th and Jackson) yesterday and saw the most amazing product. Its a Durag designed after the cover of Men in Black. All I can say is take a really good look at the picture above.

"High Class/Excellent Quality"

"Comfortably Breathable"

and the best one....

"Made for the People with Style"

And even more amazing, the guy in front of me bought one, put it on in the store, then asked for a red bandana (which they sell there as well). Check out the pic to the right. I had some idiot try it on. Looks pretty good on him.

I bought 1 for each of my brothers so they can represent in the streets of Jersey.

Union Market

I posted this on YELP a few months ago. Its a background to what Im about to post..... 

Its never a dull moment at the Union Market. If you go there anytime before 9 AM, you will get the remarkable aroma of deep fried everything. From chicken wings to eggrolls to taquitos and burritos.... they all go in the same fryer and I swear there is no fan back there. None the less, by 2 PM most of those goodies are bought up. I guess they go good with the 2 dollar tallboys. 

There is always one of the friendly neighbors out front asking for change and you will occasionally see full families in there hanging out after 10 PM....its like a trip to the mall. I bring leftover dinner a few times a week. 

One time, I brought a baked salmon pesto with rice and greens. I offered it to a lady who said she was hungry. She took a look and said she does not eat salmon and handed it back to me. I did not want to get rejected again so I left it on a bench thinking someone would eat it. I came back out to find a swarm of seagulls rummaging through the bag and spreading salmon all over 5th and Jackson.

Back to the Union Market...the owner and guys behind the counter are cool and dont take any shit. You can get basically anything you want from eggs to single cigarettes.... I would stay away from the corn dogs.

The best part is someone also wrote a review. See it here

Pedro - Naked Drunk Guy

I better write this before I forget. I mean its been over 2 years. Its still kinda fresh in my head which makes me scared I wont forget the other things that have happened.

I guess I was living in my place for a few months when I met Pedro. It was about 11 PM on a Saturday night and I had no food in the fridge. I decided to walk down to Jimmy Johns in Pioneer square for a quick sandwich. Honestly, Im still surprised I can get any type of food in Seattle after 9 PM, yet alone a hoagie. By the way, Seattle sucks for hoagies. Thats a whole new topic I hope to write about soon. I walk down avoiding crackheads and drunk idiots and grab a BLT with extra cheese. You need to order cheese on a BLT! I was eating the last bite as I walked up to the front door. I live in a "secure" building where residents are supposed to buzz guests in or at least use a code to open the door. I let myself in and look up.

There stands this latino guy in his 30s wearing nothing but sneakers, socks, and well thats about it. He is holding two tiny pieces of fabric - one in the front and the other in the back. He is standing by the elevator when he sees me. He kind of cracks a smile and jumps on 1 of the 2 elevators. OK, Im freaked out and a little unsure of what to do. So, I just chill. About a minute later, he gets off the first elevator and tried to jump in the other. These elevators go to the same floor so there would be no reason to switch. At that point, Im pissed. Fuck this guy. I say "Hey, where the hell are you going?" He gets off and is wacked out of his mind. He says he's going to his friends place. I say "These elevators go to the same fucking place and if you didnt know what floor the first time, you dont now... so get the fuck off!"

Which he does. The guy is way drunk. Im asking him who he is visiting and he is just smiling and kinda flirting with me which was weird but kinda flattering. I tell him hes gotta leave. He says no. I then proceed to push his ass out the front door trying my best to not see or touch anything. I get him to the door and he is fighting to stay in. I finally throw him out by his neck and pull the door shut. I'm about to go upstairs and forget about the whole thing. Then, of course, I feel bad.

During the scuffle, he was telling me he went to the Mariners game and all he remembers is being at Pyramid brewery. He had a nice watch on with new sneakers and a fresh haircut. He was not homeless or a crackhead. Well, maybe a crackhead but not a street person. The other thing that was really creepy is he had scratches all over his neck and back. The pieces of fabric turned out to be from his boxers which is even worse. Anyway, I look at the dude standing out front and naked for the most part. He had a rough night already. Maybe a night in jail would have helped cause thats where he would have ended up if I left him.

I grab some towels from the community bathroom and hand em out the door and tell him to wait. I go upstairs and find my oldest, shittiest jeans and a t-shirt. Yep, I let the fool wear my stuff. I let him in to change and tell him he has to go back outside but I will try to find his friends. First, I interrogate Pedro repeatedly asking him his name, his friends name, where we works, etc. I didnt think he was lying to me so I decide to help. He gives me some numbers to call and after about 6 I end up on the phone with his dad in California. He confirms everything Pedro said including where he is a bar tender (at the time it was one of my favorite happy hour spots) By the way, I made him promise me free food. Im feeling better about being outside alone with him. Its after 12 at this point.

Just then, my neighbor comes out of the garage with a bat and asked if I saw some drunk dude in the building. I said "yeah, this guy. I found him half naked and now hes wearing my clothes." My neighbor freaks out and says some guy was trying to break into cars. He went down to check on his and found a pair of jeans, tshirt, cell phone and wallet next to his car. It was Pedro's. The neighbor is going crazy. He wants to beat him with the bat and swears Pedro was trying to break in. Either way, he wants to call the cops. I try to tell him I just spoke to his father and he lost his friends. Doesnt matter, neighbor wants to call the cops which he does.

I tell Pedro he better leave or hes gonna be arrested. He smiles again and gives me that weird creepy look. He doesnt want to leave. OK, last chance.. last chance I keep telling him. Well, 2 hours later the cop shows up. Pedro and my neighbor are still out front. 2 hours later! I live across from the new 911 call center in Seattle and it took 2 hours for the cops to come. Anyway, the cop comes, sees that he is drunk and doesnt care. I do tell the officer that I spoke with his dad and everything seemed to check out. Pedro is sobering up and remembers where he parked. The cop agrees to drive him back to his car. I was happy, my neighbor was pissed.

I go upstairs and call the father back who is obviously concerned at this point. I let him know that I gave his son clothes, he was sobering up, and the cop was driving him back to his car. The next day I get a call from a guy and he says "Hello, this is Pedro. Ummm......My dad told me to call and say.... thanks." He did not remember anything.

To this day I have no clue what happened that night but I was creeped out. I figured he met some guy at the baseball game and ended up back in my building. His boxers looked like they were shredded and the scratches made me assume he was attacked - maybe butt raped. Maybe he was hiding in the garage. Maybe he liked it. Im grossed out just thinking about it and cant look at certain neighbors the same.

I never did go back for the free happy hour food. Actually, Ive never been back there at all. Maybe I will stop in one day to see if he remembers me and if I can get my jeans back. Fucking Pedro.

Classic Weekend

My first weekend back to Philly felt like a flashback from college. I was supposed to "not drink" or "not drink too much." Well, that didnt really happen. On Friday, a group of us started out at 19 for Happy Hour. Its a swank place on the 19th floor of the Bellevue Building filled with business men in suits, old ladies with too much gold on, and frilly drinks with red sugared rims. Not exactly my cup of tea but it has a great view and the 2 girly gin martinis hit the spot.

From there, a few of us headed to Chinatown for cheap Malaysian food. One great thing about Philly is its filled with awesome BYOB restaurants. You bring a bottle of wine (or in some cases Tequilla) you order cheap family style plates, you eat, drink, and leave merry. The 3 of us finished off a bottle of wine over the next hour and moved on.

An hour later, I am doing my best to sing David Bowie's "Dancing with Myself" at Yakitori boy in Chinatown. I may have nailed 3 or 4 words total. It was a horrible rendition. I wasnt really sure if we had drinks there, but Nathan said that I bought him 2 drinks which means I probably had 3. My older brother Bill showed up from NY as we were leaving. We spend the next 5 minutes arguing with 2 douchebags from NJ who wanted to fight. It was definitely close to a beatdown for all of us, but I settled the dispute. I had to go back in to close my tab and ended up in the elevator with 3 of the DBs. We made up and by the time we hit the 2nd floor, they asked me to go fight WITH them. I closed my tab and left before the main event started. I can guarantee someone got sucker punched or a bottle over the head that night.

My younger brother Ken was coming to pick us up but we had an hour to kill so Bill, Nathan and I headed to one of my old favorite spots for the 2 dollar special. That includes a watered down shot of Jim Beam and a can of PBR. 2 specials each later, Ken was outside. He picked us up, dropped Nathan off, and drove us back to NJ. We ended up stopping at a local hick/biker/old high school bar in NJ. Some dude runs up and is like "Hey buddy, how are you" with great excitement. I had no clue who it was and still dont remember after he told me his name 5 times. We ended up staying until closing and I forgot about the whole night...most importantly, the "no drinking" concept.

The next night, Ken and I headed to Atlantic City for a midnight poker tournament at Harrahs. To make a long story short, we both lost and got home at about 4:30 AM. We ate pizza at my parents house and passed out at about 5:30. The bright side - no drinks. My grandparents came into town the night before and we had plans for a diner breakfast at 7:30. I slept for an hour and half and jumped right up. Its amazing how much more energy you have if you dont down random alcohol all night. I headed to the diner feeling great.

My grandmother has dimensia and alzheimers and really has no clue what she is saying half of the time. I sat her between myself and Bill since we seem to have the most patience. She started with her usual end of the world stories, the trailer she bought in Florida which was meant to be a "girls house", the meteor that hit her house and bounced into the ocean, and how she saw the sun bleeding in the sky. Ive hear each of those stories a million times but nothing prepared me for what was next. I will start with saying her name is Louise. Im in the middle of spooning some eggs and scrapple in my mouth when she leans in and says... "No sex for Louise in 10 years, all he wants is blowjobs." Lets hope she was talking about my grandfather. 

When Im 80 and crazy, I hope Im still getting some action too. 

America's Team?

America was built on lies, corruption, bribery, and cheating. Its no wonder they call the Dallas Cowboys "America's Team."

In case you missed the most horrible spot and challenge review in the history of the NFL, see below.

"Don't Give Up"

This directly relates to my post about Seattle drivers. 

Just dont give up!

The Chicken Killer

It started out about 20 years ago. I was living with my parents in South Jersey just west of the Pine Barrens. Its a rural area and there was a corn field across the street and about 2 miles of woods in the back. We had neighbors that lived close by... about 200 yards or so away. At the time, they had several goats and sheep, a few ducks and a handful of chickens. We were all sitting on their back porch one night when the most terrifying scream came from the woods. It sounded kinda like a cat in pain, maybe a small child. It was surreal and none of us have ever heard a scream like that. I was scared. We all were. Many people heard the noise that summer and I even heard it one morning while I was waiting for the bus. I spent every night staring at the window, not sleeping, and jumping to each gust of wind. My parents blamed it on an owl although no one ever saw an owl in those woods. Great story to calm a nervous son. That was the beginning of a strange series of events.

One day, while playing man hunt in the woods behind my neighbors house, I jumped over a pile of logs and almost landed on a dead goat. There was no sign of blood or any reason why it was dead yet alone outside of the fence. Did an owl kill it? A few days later, we noticed that some of the chickens were missing. About 300 feet into the woods, we found a pile of feathers. We walked another few hundred feet and saw another pile. No chickens, just feathers. Almost as if someone or something plucked and skinned them right there. Over the next few months, more goats and chickens went missing. Of course, there was no explanation and I was even more terrified than before. Thats when we dubbed "it" the Chicken Killer. I even made a shirt in printmaking class in honor of this thing. It had a layer of trees, a black background, and an evil face in the darkness. We had to add some text to the design so I screened on "Chicken Killer... Dont Look Behind You." That came from the late nights spent at my neighbors house. When it was time to go home, I would sprint as fast as I could across the field and never looked back.

Years passed by and nothing was ever said or done about it. I picked up a copy of Weird NJ -  magazine dedicated to strange happenings in the armpit of the nation - and I ran across an article written by the girl who used to live up the street. She recalled an encounter she had with a strange creature one winter night. It was 1 AM and she was driving home from work. There are no street lights and there is a long stretch of woods before you reach the few neighboring houses. About a quarter of a mile from my parents house, she saw something on the side of the road. At first, she though it was a deer but when she got closer she realized it was nothing she has ever seen before. She described it as having red eyes, grey rat-like fur, a half horse/half human looking head, and a long skinny tail. It stood crunched over on its hind legs which were much longer than the front. She slowed down to make sure she was not hallucinating and confirmed her worst fears. It looked directly at her and leaped into the woods. That was her version of the story. My brothers and mom laughed it off, but I believed. By that time, I was already living in Philadelphia and didnt visit that often. The times I did visit, I never went outside after dark unless I was running to the car. Imagine that... a 20 yr old sprinting from the front door to the car. To this day, my younger brother still parks on the sidewalk when he comes home late.

About 3 years after that, we were joking about the article in Weird NJ with my good friend Dave. Dave lived on the same street but far enough away that he did not experience the Chicken Killer when we were kids. He asks what the article said and before I finished the first sentence he tells us that he saw something a couple years back. I wanted an unobstructed version so I asked him to tell us what he saw first. Basically, he described the same exact thing she did. The girl up the street and Dave had no relations and there is no way they could have made this up. We now have 2 witnesses both recalling a sighting of this beast. 

That was about 6 years ago. All of these things happened and there was never an explanation. I just pushed it to the back of my mind and did my best to not bring it up. I never saw anything except a dead goat and a few piles of chicken feathers.... until last summer. My parents rent a beach house for the week every summer and I was home for the family fun time. I had to work in Philly one morning so I decided to stay at my mom's to save some driving time in the morning. I hadnt seen my friends from home in a while so I invited them over. 5 of us were standing on the front lawn talking when we heard something running across the rocks on the driveway. We turned to see something run past the bushes towards the back of the house. Unfortunately, or fortunately, we only saw the back end of it. It was definitely running on its back 2 legs. It was grey in color with short wirey hair. It was hunched over and had a long, thin rat-like tail. The back had to be about 4 feet off of the ground.

"Holy shit" is all you could hear. We looked at each other and ran into the house, locked all the doors and windows and made sure we all saw the same thing. We spent the next few hours searching the internet for a similar creature. The closest thing we could find was the Chupacabra and an animal called a kangaroo cat. I pleaded for my friends to stay the night but they finally left around 3 AM. You can call it the Jersey Devil, the Chucacabra, or the Chicken Killer... but whatever it is, we all saw it and its living in South Jersey. After all of those years living in fear, I have convinced myself it doesnt kill humans and it actually seemed more scared of us than we were of it. I will just stick to the concrete jungle where I feel more comfortable walking down shady alleys than in my own backyard. When I go home now, I sleep well. But I will never stop running in the dark and I will NEVER look behind me. 

Im getting him a dog I like

Wang came by yesterday morning with a newspaper. He wants a dog again. I try to explain to him what each dog is and thats too hard so I go to petfinder.com to look at pictures. He sits there for a full hour saying "no good" to the 100 dogs I suggested. The reasons were: too old, dont like brown, dont like black, dont like white, only want yellow or tan, dont want female, too ugly, not like activity, and so on. Finally, I find  beagle named Heller and he is perfect. Wang is excited and I told him I would bus up to Lynwood on Tuesday to pick him up. 

9 PM and there is someone t my door. Its Wang's signature knock so I know its him. I open up and he says "Hey _ _ _ _, I think. I no want dog. Too much work. So sorry." I just laugh and say OK. Saved a trip up north. On my way to work this morning, I notice a note on my door. See below.

The poor guy is confused and maybe he cant afford it. So, I have decided to go pick out a dog I really like and buy it for him. The reason I need to like it is because there is about a 90% chance that after 2 weeks it will be mine. I can here it now "_ _ _ _, you take dog. Too much work. You like" as he is handing the puppy to me. Oh wangster, what would I do without you?

Learn How to F'n Drive!

9 essential tips for you shitty ass Seattle drivers (and walkers).

1. Cars have the right of way - I dont know how many times I have seen a car cruising along at a good rate of speed and they have to slam on their breaks because some douchebag thinks just because he is at a crosswalk (where there is no light) that the car has to stop for them. For all you tree hugging, non carbon producing idiots that walk around downtown with your aluminum water bottles and north face fleeces... Dont you realize when you make the car stop, it actually uses more fuel and energy to start going again? I mean, if you care so much about the f'n earth, wait 2 seconds and let the damn car go. Not like you have anything important to get to anyway.

2. Carpool lane is for speed - I love the idea of a carpool lane. Its great. What I hate is when some jackass gets in that lane and decides to do 45 mph on the highway. If you are a law abiding citizen, scared to go over 50, or asian, you should stay to the right. Just because you have some other green goer sitting beside you, it doesnt give you the right to go for a Sunday drive in the left lane. Move over and let people with some balls go by.

3. Pull up when making a left - Ever been stuck at a light through 3 rotations only to move up a car or 2? Its probably because someone is making a left and refuses to pull into the intersection until all is clear. When you do that, it does not allow for any of us behind you to get by. Its simple, pull up 15 feet and leave room for the cars behind you to go straight. If you are scared, you should not be driving. This is "maybe" the most important tip so it deserves a diagram. Look to the right.

4. Use your turn signal when making a left - That way if you dont pull up, I can let down on the horn and flip you off until you do. 

5. "Learn how to fucking drive" - If you hear this, the culprit is probably from the east coast and is definitely ready to get out of the car and punch you in the face. Dont stop!

6. Downtown - If you have some skills, it is possible to go from Denny to Jackson on 5th Ave without stopping. You can do this by staying in the middle lane and keeping a constant speed. Granted you need to look out for ever other driver (cause they all suck) but it is possible. 

7. Stay away from Chinatown - In asian countries, supposedly the drivers are amazing. They are aggressive, fast, and I doubt many of us could keep up. I dont know what happens when they get here, but that all changes. You will experience # 1, 3, 4 and 5 here. 

8. Dont even try to parallel park - Lets face it. You cant. Might as well pay a valet or park in a garage.

9. There are exceptions - Keep it up!

I dont own a car. Im not angry. When I did, I was. I will trade private classes for a ride to safeway to anyone that needs training in the above categories. I can even show you the proper way to tell the other less fortunate people... "learn how to fucking drive"

No Wonder the Sonics are Gone

I can sum it up in 4 words: Seattle Sucks for Sports. I moved to the Emerald city the year before the Sonics left, or were kicked out. I was excited to be able to run down to Key Arena and see some games. Apparently the rest of the city wasn't. I dont know all of the details behind the move, but I did witness the most pathetic series of fan protests. Most of the nights you would see 20-40 people standing outside city hall or down in Olympia. They had signs that said "Save our sonics" and other PC/Seattleish phrases.

20 people? There are more than that at any given Starbucks on a Tuesday afternoon. More people protested for the tent city than keeping the Sonics? More people ride the #7 at 3 PM. The average Seattleite would read a book at a cafe and dream of talking to the woman sitting next to him rather than watch a sporting event. I mean - read your damn book at home.

The Sonics were one of the 2 things anyone outside of the Pacific Northwest knows or cares about Seattle. Lets say a city like Philly tried to sell the Sixers. They currently suck but plain and simple - it wouldnt happen. There would be riots in the streets and fans threatening to burn down the front office. I bet the crackheads would even be upset. I know 4 year olds that would cry for days.

And you guys sat back, drank your lattes, and watched it all unfold? You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Karma is Definitely a Bitch

Last Thursday I decided to start a blog. You can scroll down to see the first entry. Its about skinny jeans and the guys who enjoy having their junk squeezed to the point of breaking. Well, the next day I was rushing around on my lunch break, trying to get ready to play basketball. For some odd reason, I took my pants and boxers off before my hoodie. In a frantic state (didnt want to miss the first game) I somehow managed to pull the zipper on my sweatshirt so hard that it went past my waste. I pulled a "something about mary." It wasnt as bad as it was in the movie, but I definitely broke skin and had to wrap gauze and electrical tape around my you know what. 

I still went to play. About half way through, I noticed the gauze contraption lying in the middle of the court. Someone yelled "its a manpon" and I acted like I had no idea where it came from. Next time I decide to talk about other men's penises, I will be a lot more careful.  

The Wangster

I live downtown in  a weird area. Its kinda chinatown, kinda pioneer square, a little SODO, and a lot of crackheads. None the less, its a nice building, I have a great view, and my floor is full of friendly neighbors, young professionals, and Wang. 

Wang is a short, older Chinese guy who has been living in Seattle for 40 years. He has never been anywhere in the US outside of Washington, he mumbles when he speaks, and chain smokes with the windows closed. He is a sweet man. He says hi to everyone even though that is even hard to translate. He posts random signs in the elevator from time to time. One read "I need dog. Feel lonely. Please help. Room 720" A few months and a couple trips to the pound with the wangster, I see one that reads "Dog Waste Bags. Free" and its laying on top of a huge bundle of plastic safeway bags. Wang decided he did not want a dog because it was too much work. So he wanted to give the shit bags away he had been saving for the past few months. Wang has become my friend.

It started out with me offering to help him with his grocery out front one day. I didnt understand a word he said at this point. Actually, Im not even sure his name is Wang, but thats what I call him now.  A few days later he comes knocking on my door. I always know its him because when I look through the peep hole, I dont see anyone. The dude is like 4'9". Since then, we have gone to dinner a couple times, I took a cab ride to the pound twice to help him find a friend, I took him to the Pig Roast festival in the park, Ive watched TV at his house, and next week he is going to show me how to make BBQ Pork.

This morning was strange. Last night Wang knocked and asked me if I could help his nephew install a HDTV antennae. Its funny, he thinks I can fix anything. I really have no clue but figured I could youtube it and agreed to go the next morning. He tells me his nephew lives in the Frye hotel on 3rd and yesler. Its right across from bum park and the only thing I really remember about that building is this one character that is always on the steps. He looks to be about 50. At first glance I thought he was a woman, he shakes like he needs a fix, and he definitely has that "I'll suck your dick for 5 dollars" look. I see this guy a lot and not sure if I should be disgusted, afraid, or turned on. Joking about that last part. The guy is creepy! Thats all I knew about the Frye at that point.

10 Am comes and Wang knocks. he is never late. I throw on some sweats and take a walk with him. Once inside, I realize the Frye is a great building. Its 150 years old, has an open lobby, high ceilings and decor from the 70s. It has a musty smell and the lady at the desk takes my ID so I can go up and try to fix this antennae. We go to the 6th floor and walk down the hallway. There is junk everywhere, doors open with TVs blaring, and an old Japanses lady sitting by the elevator. Wang waves and says hi, she stares blankly.

We get to the spot. I think it was 609. Wang knocks and opens the door. Its a small, dirty space with an overflowing ashtray, a few empty beer cans, and the TV. Someone comes from the kitchen area and I almost fell to the floor. Its the guy from the front steps who I have mad eye contacts way too many with over the past year. I hesitated and cringed when he stuck his hand out. I had to shake it. I go straight to the TV and start hooking the wires up. He is behind me sitting on the loveseat. 

He's is wearing tight jeans and a dirty white t. The whole time I am there he has his hand up his shirt and he was rubbing between his stomach and nipples. I never looked directly but kept the corner of my eye on him. Miraculously, I figured out how to get a few local channels working. I was nervous, felt gross, and could not stop thinking about the countless number of dudes who have been in and out of there. I was surprised to hear he has been living there for 27 years. By that time, the floor was probably covered in a layer of sticky stuff. His name is Tommy. Tommy does not say a word. He just twitches, rubs himself and stares at me while Im frantically flipping through channels. Right before i leave he says "do you live here?" I say "no, nice meeting you," and I get the hell out.

Im so disgusted I dont want to touch anything. Thank god Wang was with me and he could use his keycard to get us back in the building. I get home, wash my hands with alcohol for what felt like 20 mins, and laugh. I cant believe I ended up in his place on a Sunday morning. I imagine I will be walking by there next time and he will remember my name. Thats how it goes for me. I end up meeting random people doing random things. Next Sunday, Im gonna watch football with the Wangster and learn how to make that BBQ pork.